Welcome to the Holy Toaster profile page!
Here you will find a plethora of information that you didn't ask for about our psychotic... err... that is, I mean, perfectly well adjusted cast, crew and staff.
The Fat Man
Age: 25
Occupation: Video Game Store Clerk
Likes: Food, bad movies, music, all things gaming, Jolt Cola, tea time.
Dislikes: Exercise, small children who think they’re God’s gift to gaming, EA and all its sports games.
Claims to Fame: Was once choked by “Hacksaw” Jim Dugan; gave gaming advice to Steve Jackson; drank with Billy West.
Bio: The Fat Man was born, as most children are, in the back of a bumper car. He was raised by his mother and grandmother, who taught him old school values– like how to skin a deer with only a butter knife.
His love of movies began at the tender age of two, when he learned how to operate the VCR on his own. Ever since then, it’s been a mind-numbing amount of film that keeps him going. He doesn’t know who the President is, but he can name you ten movies Bruce Campbell has been in.
The Fat Man’s fateful first meeting with his future sidekick took place at a role playing convention. In the heat of mock battle during a particularly enthusiastic LARP, he stabbed Burns with the pointy bit of a PVC pipe. Burns was rushed to the emergency room and that appeared to be the end of the matter. Two weeks later, The Fat Man came home from work to find Burns camped out on his couch, demanding restitution for damages. He is still paying for it...
Burns
Age: 28
Occupation: Currently occupying the couch.
Genus: Homo Satiricus.
Hobbies: Killing hobos, pointing out the obvious.
Bio: Burns was born in the cold, cold, desolate north of Canada, a land where doughnuts rule over coffee with an iron fist. Raised by a shaman and an atomic scientist– both of whom were far too busy to actually show him any affection– he turned to the warm, comforting glow of "mommy TV."
His wit is as sharp as his machete, and his sideburns have their own room.
Burns met The Fat Man after winning a cereal box contest. The prize was a date with a supermodel -- however, nobody bothered to mention that the publication for which The Fat Man modeled was the now sadly defunct Goatees Of Power magazine.
Needless to say the date didn’t work out, but they still remain fast friends.
Lee
Code Name: Lee
Status: Active – Emergency Communications Officer
Likes: Guns, Bullets, Knives, Explosions, Bigger Guns, Lethal Weapon series, Die Hard series, Tremors series, More Bullets, Nerd Chicks
Dislikes: Oprah, The E! Channel, long walks on the beach (unless it’s a landing mission), Cute Stupid Things, The Fat Man
Hobbies: Planning for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, playing games that deal with the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.
Approved Statement: “What? You want to hear something about me? Well, Freal you! You aren’t good enough to to know anything about me! … Wait, what? Oh, Okay. Fine. You want to know how I got dragged into this chicken shit operation?
It was a cold summer day, I was working with my unit from [CLASSIFIED] on a covert hot drop into South America to [CLASSIFIED] some poor [CLASSIFIED] from their [CLASSIFIED]. It was going all according to plan, until I got my damn parachute tangled in the trees. Seriously, those think tanks in Intel didn’t ponder a bunch of apes dropping in ‘chutes into a frealing jungle?! I swear those closet cases couldn’t figure out a frealing toilet without a recon statement. Anyways, so there I was cutting myself loose when I saw a [CLASSIFIED] down below. So I [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED], And then I [CLASSIFIED]. [CLASSIFIED] but [CLASSIFIED]. Finally I [CLASSIFIED], and made my way to the LZ with The Fat Man in tow. Pretty sweet, eh?
Anyways, I learned two valuable things that day… I could slice a man’s [CLASSIFIED] in two with my side arm, and pick up the latest Resident Evil game at a reasonable price. The Fat Man and me have been comrades ever since.”
B.I.F.F. (Bipedal Intelligence from the Far Future)
Bio: A long, long time from now, in a galaxy far away in a hole in the ground, lived the TeknoHobbit. He lived not in a nasty, dirty, wet hole like your mother’s, but in a TeknoHobbit hole– and that meant comfort! Among his many comforts was a state of the art Digital Projection 3-D Holographical Video Wall that showed all his favorite shows, which made the TeknoHobbit so very happy.
Then one day, he forgot to set the recorder to save his very favorite program! After realizing he’d missed it, the TeknoHobbit pondered the cyclic nature of the Universe, and decided the thing to do was to freeze himself until the end of time– because of course, that would be the beginning of time as well. Then he could just sit back and wait until his precious show came around again.
And so, he did. All was going well, until an accidental signal from The Fat Man woke the TeknoHobbit years and years too soon! Now “Biff” as he calls himself, must find a way to survive in a world not at all suited to him, as he seeks revenge on the one who put him here– The Fat Man! Or, he could just be a pissed off, lying bastard who vents his bitter wrath upon any who dare to disturb him. Hard to say, really.
Padron
Blood Type: O positive.
Height: 5′ 4″
Occupation: Ex Army Medic.
Birthplace: Not sure yet.
Likes: Swords, twinking, Bishoujo Manga.
Dislikes: FFX, healthcare as a job, pirating (both on and off the sea), the entire Druid concept.
Bio: Padron leased his own soul from the government and got a backpack out of the deal -- that was five years ago, and he has no clue where that backpack went. Now he patiently waits to become a student while also attending to the Fat Man’s desperate cries for help. Having been detached from his Nerd friends for so long, Padron has reverted to his base jock stats, supplemented by Army training. After the first meeting of minds, he was goaded into incapacitating Lee by the Fat Man.
Padron will not be available for a long time. He is wearing sunglasses at night, he has a full six pack of Monster, and he is on a mission from God.
The Crippled Intern
Age: 28
Occupation:Editing Genius PhD Guy
Likes:Things that numb the... PAAAIIIN~!
Dislikes:...PAAAIIIN~!
Bio:The Intern is an enigmatic figure. Having attended an unidentified university, and specializing in the post-production editing of Internet webisodes, he is the grease that keeps the cogs within Holy Toaster turning. It is within his power to grant screen time to those who earns his favor, and to snatch it away from those he finds wanting.
The Fat Man brought the Intern on board when it became clear that, by virtue of having a real life to go home to, shooting and editing was out of the question. His services are repaid in the form of room and board... if by "room" one means "a 3x5 closet", and by "board" one means "chilly F It, I'll Eat It leftovers".
The "Crippled" affectation is an unfortunate side effect of his first meeting with Burns, an encounter the Intern won't soon forget... nor forgive.
